Done it.

 

I made it out yesterday, and I actually walked around B&Q and the Range, we had a good shop and bought several plants for the new raised beds, also bought some paint to decorate the new study now that we have had the French windows put in, so all in all a good day. I was a little stressed out the day before, thinking of going out but as I new the shops it was not to bad. The only thing now is I can hardly move all my joints are hurting, guess it’s the most exercise I’ve done for a long time. Caz has put the plants into the bed, I managed to plant two, and put in some seeds, it all looks great I’m very pleased with what we achieved, thanks to Caz.I have also started a new batch of sourdough bread starter, I’m going to get back to making all our own bread again, it’s much nicer, but I also don’t want to be eating so much bread and so it is part of my plan for changing our lifestyle, by eating less processed foods and making it as fresh as you can, so we shall see how that progresses on.

It’s great now that we have the French windows in, it brings the house and garden much more together, and that’s important to me, being able to just step out into the garden, or sit with the doors open but still feel part of the garden, it’s lovely. We have a deep red rose in the garden, it’s one we brought with us when we moved here I guess it must be over 20 years old, we know it as our Aunty Babs rose as it was bought for us by my much loved and very much now missed aunty Babs. The scent from the rose just fills the garden and will now hopefully also fill the house, it flowers all summer long and is the heart of our garden, a very treasured plant.

I also love photography and would love to be able to get out more and to do more of it, when we first moved here I was able to get about more and took some beautiful shots of this amazing island. I have just sold my Dslr camera because I was not using it, but also because I find it difficult to cope with the weight and all the lenses that go with it, so I bought both myself and Caz a Canon Powershot G5x camera, it’s a lovely little camera and easy to transport, and has wifi which is great for blogging, I still have my older Nikon D7000 and some lenses it’s a great camera too but not so portable for me, walking with a stick and sometimes crutches makes carrying a Dslr difficult. Well I’ll have to post some of my photography soon for you to see hopefully you’ll like them. I feeling less stressed at the moment as we have now decided not to take another trip away this coming weekend, though inside I know we will be soon, but it takes the pressure off for now, I really want to be able to just get up and go away at a drop of the hat, but it’s so difficult and stressful I sometimes wonder is it all worth it. Hope you all have a great day and achieve all you want to……

The Plants that we bought.
Planted up.
From the other side
Aunty Babs Rose

Jam, scones & health plan

 

Well the jam turned out great, and I must say gooseberry jam is now my all time favourite jam, and of course I didn’t just make the jam I also made scones too, now I just need to get to the shops for some clotted cream lol. Its great using fresh produce from your own garden to make your own preserves, its extremely therapeutic, I must get back to making our own bread another therapeutic and tasty task, and you can’t beat home made sourdough bread. I want to devise a new healthy menu for my wife and I, we have been vegetarian for some 14 years now, but I feel our diet could be a lot healthier which may or may not help with some of my health issues.I have been diagnosed with MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment) which does worry me as my father developed vascular dementia, but I mustn’t get worrying about things that might not come to pass, I have enough issues to tackle as it is. So hopefully a change of diet will help some of these ailments, I want to try to get some exercise going too obviously I have had issues moving around with my legs being so large, but now with the help of my Farrow Wraps, my legs are a lot smaller so I need to get walking more, I now have an activity tracker and hopefully I can set some goals a steadily up my activity. As for our diet I want to make it as free from processed food as possible and as much as I can make everything fresh (home made).

I must say I loved my career as a chef, though I feel today I have probably forgotten a lot of what I used to know, but I still enjoy cooking, and sometimes long for that life of running a kitchen, till my body tells me not to even think about it, lymphoedema can really suck! Somedays it feels as if both your legs have been plunged into boiling oil, thank God though it’s not every day that it’s like that. It was about two years ago now that I had a open wound start on the back of my left leg which just got bigger and bigger, it becoming infected and would not heal, it all seemed never ending and I was about as low as one can get, but they did heal and the Farrow Wraps now stop my legs from swelling and splitting again, then last July 2016, I started to feel a little unwell, went for a lie down, woke up feeling worse, couldn’t stop shaking, my wife and daughter called an ambulance and I was rushed into hospital, turned out to be sepsis terrifying how quickly it started and went out of control, I spent a week in hospital and don’t ever want to experience that again.

Today we are off to the garden centre if I can do it, To get a few things for the garden, not sure quite what yet but we shall see and I’ll let you know. Well I’m not sure how I’m doing as a blogger, I’m getting a few followers, and views which is great, it’s all still a bit new but I’m learning fast, not to sure what the difference between a viewer and a visitor is, but your are all welcome lol.

Gooseberry jam

Gooseberry jam & scones

Gooseberries & mind games.

 

Well we picked 3lb of gooseberries yesterday, not a huge amount but enough to make some jam, it’s a job to time picking any fruit in our garden, as I have said before it’s very much a cottage/wildlife garden, and the wildlife seem to get their fair share of the bounty, but that’s the way it should be we all have to live, and at this time of year the are all trying to feed their young, and it’s lovely to be able to see all thous young fledglings in the garden. So my first job today after posting this blog is jam making, and I shall post a photo of the finished produce, have our scones ready lol.

I have been starting to feel stressed today, and I know the feeling will grow completely out of control as the week goes on, I felt at ease when we returned from our long weekend break last weekend, testing out our new eriba caravan we really love it, it’s very retro and comfortable, and having achieve our first get away I was now ok that we were back home, I could relax again and enjoy looking at the photos from the weekend, really like looking at the for the first time as if I had not been there and I was looking at someone else’s adventure, I was now safe at home. Then today the subject arose about going on another trip, and right away I can feel the tension inside, I want to curl up into a ball and hide away, I could shake myself, tell myself how daft I am “I’m 62 in a couple of weeks” why do I have to be like this, why can’t I just be like others? I will try and fill my thoughts with other stuff, but it will just be there all the time, tapping me on the shoulder when I let my guard down, I want to tackle this but honestly I don’t know if I can! I have great support from my family but it’s so difficult to open up and put things into words, especially when your supposed to be the head of your family. It breaks my heart when my we get to the shops and my wife or daughter ask if I am coming into the shops, and I say no, then the little voice of my 4 year old granddaughter says “come on grandad, please!” The mind is so very complicated, but a day a a time that’s all I can do.

On a lighter note I’ll share a story of when I was an apprentice chef, training under my father. It was a very busy kitchen in a seaside three star hotel, I was about 16 at the time and most of us were smokers then, so every now and then we would say “just off to the toilet chef” and my father who was the head chef would say don’t be to long, knowing that we were really just going for a cigarette. My father had a funny side to him and loved a joke, we had all been caught by him, he would wait for us to enter the outside toilet that was in the passage leading to the garage, the toilet had a gape above and under the door, and as soon as he saw a puff of smoke come over the top he would throw a full bucket of ice cold water over the top, you can imagine the shock lol.

So one day we all planed our revenge, and it was not long before we had our chance, my father headed off to the toilet, and we all filled our buckets and marched outside, the light went on so we all let loose our buckets of ice cold water…… the screams and shouts from within were not that of my father, oh no! What had we done? We all ran back into the kitchen where we each kept our heads down and got on with our work, but each one of us kept an eye on the door to see who would come in. To our horror the door opened and a raging head porter in his top hat and tails came in drenched demanding to know who had done this to him, no one uttered a word, there were some muffled sniggers, but when he left to get change my father returned, he could hardly stand up, and there were tears of laughter coming down his face – yes he had set us up really good, he had suspected what we were up to, no one but him had notice the head porter head for the toilets we were to busy watching my dad, he then followed the head porter but instead of going to the toilets had run into the garage where he watched the whole thing unfold, it’s laughable now but we were bricking it at the time.

Just thought that may lighten your day, I post pics of the gooseberry jam later..

Gooseberries

Anxiety 

 

Anxiety! I guess it effects everyone in different ways but for me it’s like drowning, I gasp for Air my legs are like jelly, and I’m just filled with panic, and it seems the more you try to think it out, to try and see how silly it is to be like this, then the worse it all becomes, as if your overthinking things, all reasoning goes out the window and I’m just sinking, it’s best not to think at all, but how do you achieve that? I enjoy meditation though I don’t do it enough, but I should do it more, and will definitely try to do more.When we are going anywhere, like away in the eriba caravan, or hospital appointments or a family gathering then I will be worrying weeks before, it’s crippling I find it hard to concentrate on anything else, and my days just pass from one to another just sitting worrying, if I try to do anything else I am soon back to worrying, then before I know it it’s time to go, and everything comes to a head. On a good day, I find it hard to concentrate on more than one thing, for instance if I’m into playing my guitar then wouldn’t be able to then go and do some photography or any of the other thing I enjoy, I can only cope with one thing and that will carry on until I’m into something else then everything else will be on hold? I know it’s confusing.

I would love to be free from all this, but it’s just the tip of it all, the phobia of leaving home going out anywhere, I’ll only go to the shops early in the morning when they are quite, and even then I probably won’t go in, Caz does the shopping on her own. My head is filled with the thought of people looking at me, talking about me, and what if I do something that will draw attention to me, like fall over etc… and there is so very much more, so difficult to put into words.

These blogs are hopefully going to help, I am trying to turn things around and improve my life I want to tackle my weight, fitness, anxiety, phobias etc… and you can come along with me on all the good and bad times, but I want at the end to have my life back and stop being a prisoner, I want to be able to just jump in the car, hitch up the eriba caravan and head off on adventures, so I hope you stick around for the journey and thanks for listening.